If you haven't noticed by now, all of my post titles have been the names of songs I like. The title of this post, ...And Beyond, is from MoBo's The Perfect Cast... and remains one of my favorite MoBo songs to date. It captures an emotion I have associated with this time of year for a long time. Fall is still one of my favorite seasons and used to be the one season I had more good memories of then bad. It is no secret to those who know me that I despised high school. It was some of the worst years of my life. There is a special pain that comes from being trapped in the expectations of others. It is something that follows you everywhere you go. Every interaction is dictated by preconceived notions on who I am just on what I look like. As intrinsic as this is with human interaction it is such a frustrating and painful truth.
I can still think of those years with some fondness though. I hardly speak to anyone I have gone to high school. That doesn't mean that I don't appreciate what they have done for me. I believe that people can come and go from your life, but you keep a part of them with you. They gave me life in a way I never expected to happen in my life. I owe them a lot, more than they probably ever realize. It's why I don't hold anything against them for all the bad that has been done. Though we have long since parted ways, I hope that they still think of me.
...And Beyond reminds me of the quiet moments we have spent together. It captures the longing and despair that reminds me so very much of this season. It's pleasant in a cathartic way and it is also shows just how much I've grown. This song is about yearning and desiring someone but also the pain of them not liking you back. For me this also brings me back to past relationships and serves as something to think about for future ones. I have been through a lot of relationships, my first one being in high school. While it was a very painful time for me, and things didn't end well I still think that I am better for it. It was what I needed at the time. I needed someone to spend time with, a constant I could rely on. When I grew past that point, it became clear that I didn't need it anymore. To clarify, I was the one dumped and this is just my musings from years later, though I think it's more important to share my current thoughts and feelings.
Right now, I don't know what I need. I don't think anyone does really. If we did life would probably be a lot easier. It can be hard to understand your wants and needs, especially since those tend to change over time. Right now I am just following my heart more or less. I've trusted it so far and it hasn't really steered me wrong.
I'm keeping up on these posts. Soon I want to actually make and post more art as well. I wanted to start today, so I finally got myself out to take photos. Next time I'll do it when there's some daylight. It was nice to get some practice with darker subjects though! I want to take more photos of people rather than landscapes. I've always enjoyed working with people more and I think that there is a lot more room for expression. Granted I still consider myself an amateur with a camera so I don't know how good they will be. I'll attach my first photo on this post with more to come later!
The reason this is so dark and blurry is because I decided to take it at 7:30 and it didn't have enough light for me to see the focus. It also probably didn't have enough light for that to matter. I think its a good start though :) It is along the lines of what I want to shoot with my camera. Something that just resonates with me. I really like the color and the grit of the photo. It was taken of a small Halloween shrine near my house. I was really feeling it today.
Finally, if you're bothering to read this you probably know me so I hope you had a good day. It can get really cold and lonely this time of year. I'm glad I've taken the time to create something for myself.
- Penny