Do you ever wonder if it will ever be enough.
Is there is an end to this tunnel?
Is the light is bright enough,
To see a future for myself?
Sometimes I am so unsure
Even my emotions feel
Unreliable at best;
At worst, they are the means
Of my own destruction.
I don’t know what to trust anymore.
I feel so conflicted with myself. On one side are my desires, my wants and needs, and on the other side are my emotions. I feel constantly at war with myself and it's horrible. I don't even know what I want or need anymore. I used to be so sure in myself, maybe not perfectly sure, but I had enough faith and trust in my emotions to lead me in the right way. Now, I don't even know anymore. Something changed in me this semester. Or rather it has been changing for the last year and has finally fucked me. I don't know what to think anymore. I wish I could just feel like I used to. Not in state of being, but in emotion. It's like my world has been plunged into grayscale. Everything just feels less vivid and colorful than it used to. I don't know if this is just winter, or if I should be more worried about myself.
I find myself increasingly more jealous of everyone's lives. At how easily they can feel and express that feeling. Sometimes I think I lie to myself about my emotions. I tell myself that I should feel this way or that. I gaslight myself into an emotion I reason I should be feeling. When I don't feel much at all. I'm scared that I might have been doing this for a lot longer than I realize. A quick glance at my memories confirms that I might have and I don't want to dig any further than that. I'm scared if I look to deeply I'll start questioning what was real and what wasn't. I don't think that would help. I just want to feel as excited and whole as I used to. Without the drugs to help.
Why do I even write anymore? I don't think that this is helping like I thought it would. I do enjoy the outlet, but what do all of you even think about me anymore? I just don't know if I am doing myself any favors by bleeding my heart out. I don't think anyone even wants to hear this save a few.
Every now and then I check in on myself. My general mental well being and such. I think I'm doing alright. Maybe just in a funk. It's hard to tell when so much has happened this year. Nothing seems to stay still in my life. I just don't know anymore. I long for a day when everything will just feel alright. When I can feel warmth and light in my life. I find myself relieved to see this year past. This past year has quite possibly been the worst one yet I think. That's saying something.
Until next time,
- Penny