Hi all,
It's been a long while since I've felt the need to write. It has been a hard month or so. With the semester starting I have been busier than ever and it shows. I've been exhausted. It's not all bad though. While this winter has brought a lot of my heavier emotions forward I think I am slowly becoming at peace with who I am.
I keep thinking about Susan Stryker's writing. On becoming a self described monster just to survive. I still don't know how I feel about myself. I used to feel so disconnected from everyone and to a large extent I still do, but I think I am slowly getting better. I recently wrote to myself "I feel as though I am destined to become everything I once hated." I still feel like that sometimes, but right now I have enough sun fueled optimism to take it in a better light. It feels less like a curse and more like the world pushing me to become a more understanding and empathetic person through my experiences. I can only hope that I take the right lessons or I'll become something I don't want. I see it a little in how callous I've become. I used to be known as a much nicer person than I am now. I think I've just become a little more self willed. I still feel a lot of resentment towards people who don't deserve it though.
More than anything days like this show me how much I've grown and how far I still have to go. I blame my own stunted emotional uprising for a lot of my current issues. At the very least I can trace most of my issues to past traumas. If I couldn't I would probably feel a lot more lost than I do now.
I still feel so guilty and ashamed of a lot of things I've done in the past. I've made a lot of mistakes I now have to live with. This ties into what I said above, I do think I've treated people in inexcusable ways. I am trying now to keep those moments in mind and to learn and grow. I don't want to see it as atonement, rather as a process that all people have gone through.
The sun recently has genuinely healed me and gave me a little more hope for the future. The winters have always been the hardest for me. I hope next year I develop enough positive coping skills to handle it with more grace.
Hopefully I start taking more photos and writing more :) feel free to leave a comment if you do read this. I am somewhat curious to see how you all are doing. Comments can be anonymous too so there's really no pressure. Lastly we have a unique double song feature this time. I could not decide between the two so I hope you like them both as much as I do.
Much love,
- Penny