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Hi again!

Things have been so rough recently. It's easy to forget that seasonal depression isn't the root of all my issues. I only realize when it's gone that it leave a lot left. It does, however, make my mood a lot more volatile. I usually have vast mood swings every day, but when I don't have season depression it just gets worse.

Recently that means struggling a lot with my own image and self worth. It is so easy to compare myself to everyone else around me and to base my self worth on that. I don't think I'm bad looking per se, but I also think that there are a lot of small things preventing me from being really happy with the way I look. From there it's easy to make more comparisons with other people. I'm not pretty enough, or popular enough, I don't get out enough, or something similar. I know objectively that none of these are true. I also wouldn't judge someone else based on these traits so it is dumb to pointlessly apply them to me.

However simply knowing what you are doing is wrong and being okay with it are different things all together. I can know that my struggles are dumb and still struggle. I know that people like me, think I'm pretty, and think I'm smart or talented. The issue is that I don't feel like I am. Actually, the biggest issue is that it feels like I'm constantly stuck in a loop. I get better, then something happens and it all comes crashing down. I need to be constantly reassured by others so I can then try to make more progress. I still think I have come a long way from where I was, but I started at the bottom so I still have a long way to go.

I know I have issues still. I struggle a lot with substance use. Sometimes more than others. I wouldn't go as far as to call it addiction or abuse, but it's still not good. Some days it feels like the only thing that makes existing bearable. I feel so trapped by my body and mind, like my soul yearns for something I'm not made for. It's excruciating to see myself fall short again and again, but there's nothing I can do because my best isn't good enough.

I don't want to talk about anyone specifically because I think that's weird on a semi-public blog. I also think that if I didn't want to talk about people specifically a blog about my life is a bad medium to choose. Either way I would prefer if people I do end up talking about are still shown respect and I will do my best to not name names and what not.

With that out of the way I want to talk about romance because it's almost Valentines day and I find myself single again for the third year in a row. It's hard for me not to feel as if this is some failing on my part even though I know that it isn't. Again, I wouldn't judge others by that standard. I've been single for quite a while now. I got dumped in August and though I've tried dating apps since, nothing has quite been the same. At first I was angry and more self-willed, but now I don't know how to feel about it. Knowing that she has moved on and found someone else hurts even though I wish nothing but the best for her and I know that it was for the best. I'll admit I wasn't a good girlfriend. Looking back on it now I think that's why I'm upset more than anything. There is so so so much that I could have done better. Maybe it would have helped, maybe it wouldn't have. Either way I know that this can be a lesson if I let it be. I'm trying to be gentle with myself when I can find myself on those rare moments but it's hard. I'll leave it there, I just wish we talked more.

Missing an image here that was on the Blogger page. I didn't feel like finding it again.

Ending it on a somewhat better note, I'm trying to get back into photography. I still have a lot of imposter syndrome to work through and it will be a while before I can feel confident in what I do, but I still enjoy it and that should count for something. There's not much I really enjoy doing anymore so I'm trying to keep it close to me. I wish I had photos to share with you all at this moment, but I'll leave you with just one.

I took this one on acid lol. I'm not sure if I quite love the editing and I know it's not that great of a photo, but it's whatever. I'll get better eventually. I'm hoping that as it gets warmer I'll want to get out more and take more photos but the mood doesn't strike me that often so we'll see.

I hope you all are still enjoying these. It helps me a little I think. I liked writing a bit of a longer post so I might keep doing stuff of this length. It also might mean that I am posting more personal stuff that talks about people in my life so I'll still try to keep things as anonymous as I can. Obviously if you find something that you don't like feel free to reach out and I can change it.

- Penny