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I took acid and found the meaning of life. Or rather found the lack thereof and in doing so found the meaning of life.

Every now and then I like to do something very impulsive to keep myself on my feet. This impulsive thing is usually just doing acid when I probably shouldn't. I blew off some stuff I needed to do last Sunday and took about a third of a tab. In my defense, I was already going to spend the day with a friend of mine who had recently gone through something and I wanted to support her in the ways that I can. To me, I thought that what she needed (and probably me too) was to do something very stupid. So I took acid and she spent the day drinking.

There is always a point in my trips where everything slows down and I start to get a little too introspective. It's not in a healthy way. The world around me starts feeling as fake and constructed as it really is. Everything around us is a human construct and sometimes I just get sick of it. Everything just starts feeling so dumb, like only "natural" things have any meaning to them and everything human is just pretend. It feels silly and it starts just making me sad. At this point I went for a walk to smoke weed. Smoking usually helps change things up and keeps me in the moment. However, in this case I want to focus on the feelings I had during that trip.

I have always struggled with the idea that there is a right way to spend my time. That I need to always be the most productive person I can be. Otherwise, I must be wasting my life. Personally, I blame capitalism for this mindset. Even my parents seem to preach that I have to sell my life to the highest bidder. But does this even matter? Is the purpose of life really just to make enough money? How much will ever be enough? Whatever your answer, this trip made all of this shit we do seem ridiculous. It really doesn't matter how you spend your free time so long as you enjoy doing it. You don't need to be a perfect person just to exist.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is the life I have to live with. This is the body and mind I was dealt and I now have to spend my life making myself feel comfortable enough in my body. I think the first thing that needs to go is my desire to please others. Holding yourself back for the sake of others is a prison I don't want anymore. I want to be so uniquely me, and I love learning how to do so.

On a similar note, I'm becoming a little more nonbinary with it. I think for the longest time I was so worried what others thought of me I never really stopped to ask myself what I wanted for me. I forced myself to present a way I didn't really care for. I also think that I struggle a lot with my name and pronouns as both are human concepts. It's hard to just set myself into boxes without just feeling trapped by different expectations for me. Whether that is to look or act a certain way.

I also just got sick of the way people assumed I wanted to be refereed to or treated. Especially in the trans community people tend to apply the binary far too often. For now, I'm using they/she pronouns and it wouldn't be unsurprising if I later decided to change my name again. Legally, I'm not doing that again, but socially I think I'd like to try out something else. Maybe. We'll see.

Last thing, please make your own blogs! I love reading blogs and I really would love to see all my friends have blogs. Do it! It can be anything you want it to be.

<3

- Penny