I've been coming down off of a particularly hard day. It was like I just woke up knowing that I was going to have a bad day. I started it off by drinking at 9 am and then going to a coffee shop. I still don't know why I did it, maybe some part of me feels more comfortable being sad then happy. Maybe I've just been feeling off. I like going to coffee shops a lot. I like the ambiance, the smells, the people, the bitter taste of coffee... I really like black coffee. Sometimes I imagine I'm Dale Cooper. I like waking up in the morning and leaving my house. I like the feeling of working on something or reading over a cup of coffee before a lot of people get out. I love breakfast too, but I usually just settle for coffee.
After my coffee, I went to a therapy intake session where I got connected and such and I think that's what really caused me to start spiraling. There's something really shitty about having to bring up such heavy emotions in such a sterile environment. I know that therapy offices are typically cozier but I'm more so talking about the idea of talking to a mental health professional about your issues. I feel such a pressure to state my issues as emotionlessly and objectively as possible. I had to fight back tears. I think I only feel comfortable talking about my issues with people I love. I think that I just hate being vulnerable in front of other people. I've always had to project myself for my own saftey. Growing up I was bullied up until college basically both at school and at home. Being trans has led me to put forth a spiky shell around me as a way of protecting myself from others. I think that part of me has internalized this shell. It's easier to turn pain into hate than it is to deal with the pain.
I can already see myself rambling a little bit so I'm just going to have a disclaimer here that this is all basically not going to mean anything :P
Sometimes I really can't stand this world. Don't get me wrong, I think most of the world is such a beautiful place. Some deep part of me is just so ill content though. I'm basically banking on therapy and meds helping me cope with this. I want this to be an issue with my hormones or some internalized issue I can just work through because I am so so so scared that its not. I feel constantly at war with myself. I want to be happy I want to be healthy and normal but I just can't be. All of my issues start to feel self caused and so fucking childish. The rational part of myself is just telling me to calm down and the emotional part of myself is telling me to tear into the world around me. The conflict just ends up tearing me apart. I worry about myself sometimes. I've been having mood swings recently. Or rather I've been noticing them. I think they've probably been present going on from middle school but that entire period of my life was too full of just general depression and self-loathing that it probably masked them a lot. I think that I will really benefit from getting medicated. Maybe these feelings will finally go away and I can just be happy for once in my life.
I don't have enough energy to finish writing this. I'm still going to post it because I don't want it to just sit around.