Helloooooooooooo! its been a minute and i really haven't known what to write about recently. actually ive been doing a lot more of my own journaling as it just became a little bit more of my focus over the last few months. ive had a lot of personal growth and self-reflection to work on and im really glad that i gave myself that time to just think. looking back at my past posts and entries is kinda weird to me now tbh. its so scary to me how normalized just feeling awful all the time has gotten to me. its worked its way so deep into my head that its become hard to separate those feelings and i feel a lingering attatchment to feeling horrible. as my life has been getting a little less complicated recently i feel so unerved and antsy and i find myself getting a little bored with everything. ive been starting to find life as really monotonous and boring at times and its been really hard to cope with this feeling. its like nothing really is interesting to me or fun to me anymore and i find it hard to find enjoyment in a lot of things nowadays.
i do think that these feelings will go away though.... im on medication now and seeing a therapist and so i think that over time ill be able to find something that works for me. it is also possible that the medication will help me feel a little more normal if i give it a little more time. i haven't been on it for very long. what does suck though is that i find it so hard to motivate myself to do literally anything ever. my room is kinda a mess and i haven't really done much in the last week but sit around. ive also found it very hard for me to sleep recently. my body has been waking myself up fairly early each morning and i can never lull myself back to sleep.
im trying to give myself enough grace right now not to make things just worse for myself but it continues to be a struggle. thankfully i have a lot of good friends in my life who care a lot about me. im still trying to stay hopeful.
- Penny