Hiiiiiiiiii
It's been a while since I've last written on here. I usually do a lot more personal writting in my diary tbh. Though this page is still really important to me. The last week has kinda sucked a lot. Honestly it's hard for me to make it through each day. I find myself too sad throughout the day. I guess this is what happens when you're depressed. Sometimes it feels so genuinely horrible that it is hard for me to exist in any specific way. I've just accomadated for this by becoming an addict and it really feels like I have no control over my drug use anymore. I struggle to feel any specific way about this abymore. Because deep down I know there's nothing I can really doo about it anyways. I'm stuck in a loop of self-hatred and substance abuse and there's really no way for me to get out of it until my meds start working again.
As much as I try to make it known that I am a very hurt and damaged person I feel like it never really matters in the slightest. I don't know why I try anymore. Sometimes I wish that I just fucking managed to kill myself back when I was a teenager. Things would have been a lot easier if I had. I think it is so hard for me to care about anyone so deeply. It only seems to hurt me. Then I just start to withdrawl and things obviosly don't improve when I do that but I don't know what else to do. I feel so stuck and trapped all the time. I just hope that my meds start working again and I don't have to think about how much I wish I could just die. Last night my anxiety was pounding in my chest I could barely sleep. I hate this so much.